handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
