You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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