Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
