went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
