I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
