ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
