Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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