Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She's like a pop up book from hell.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
