My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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