when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
