So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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