hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
