So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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