and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
