So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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