totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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