It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
