ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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