why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
