So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
