My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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