Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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