You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
