I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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