my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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