Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
