you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
