i think i have two assholes
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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