so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
