So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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