never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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