I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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