Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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