I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
