I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize