Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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