i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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