Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
