How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
