I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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