is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
