He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
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