he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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