fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
