Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
