your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
