She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
