Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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