great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
