My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
